Today, my home is filled with the unbelievably loud antics of my kids playing with each other. Most of the time it is goofy wrestling (and believe me, that’s not just the boys). Sometimes it is the made up family game of “Can We Make Them Laugh Hysterically”, with one of my kids who laughs really easily as the main target. It could also be playing card or board games, playing on the Wii, or any number of activities.
It wasn’t always this way. Just a few years ago, the kids were constantly operating in strife, angry with each other, so easily offended, and very competitive.
One of the tactics that we employed to end the sibling strife was to cut down on the competition. One of the phrases that we heard around the house was, “That’s not fair.” If you hear that statement floating around your house, that is clue that there might be comparison between your kids, and comparison births competition.
As I analyzed where the competition was coming from, I realized that I was treating my children as a group. When we went anywhere, we went as a group. If we went grocery shopping, my goal was to get all 4 into the store, get all 4 to keep their hands to themselves, and to have all 4 not screaming at the same time. Keeping them alive, safe, and quiet was a huge task, and thinking of them as one unit instead of four little individuals allowed me to wrap my brain around my overwhelming goal.
I called them my herd. My herd went in, my herd went out. My herd went to bed, my herd got up. For me it meant that each one had been grouped as a collective to make my job easier.
Recognizing this, I started to change the way that I talked and thought.Instead of giving time to the herd, I started pulling each one aside for individual time. Instead of planning my days with all of them involved in every activity, I started scheduling outings so that I could take just one or a couple with me.
I also started calling them out individually. Instead of calling them all to dinner, I started by inviting each individually to come. Instead of assigning a general clean up time, I started assigning specific chores to specific people, listing them out by name.
What each child wants is to feel individual, unique and special. When you treat them as individuals and focus on each child alone, you’ll be surprised at how much comparison and competition is limited in your family.
I’m not saying that this simple change of thought – from the herd to individuals – will stop all arguing and fussing in your home, but I am suggesting that it is a good place to start. After all, we like to be thought of us special and contributing something unique to the family.
In the family of God, He knows us. He says that He knows the number of hairs on our heads (Luke 12:7), that we’re the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8), and that He will provide for us (Matthew 6:26). He says that we were wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that He knew us before we were born (Jeremiah 1:5). I could go on and on – the Bible is full of references to how He special He thinks that we are.
Give it a try! Make a practice of treating your kids, or kids around you, as unique and special individuals, without trying to treat them all equally or the same. Tell me how it makes a difference!